Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Of Rains and Rainbows

Credits to Scribbler's Sanctuary
It's been 7 months since I've last  updated my blog. I feel bad for neglecting this love of mine for months. So what happened?

February until March, I was restless. I know something's up but I was too in denial to speak up. I decided to resign from work and do something else. A Southeast Asian trip was scheduled, taking culinary classes and a longer vacation back at my hometown were a few of my things-to-do-when-you're-a-bum list. So I tender my resignation first week of March and started to do my last 30 days of work.

April came, and I was doing my last week for work when a friend who happens to be also a Quality Manager called me up and said I need to extend my resignation. He said there's gonna be new program that I will like and that he thinks I'm fit for. Then Boss Matt, who is our SOM, talked me out: The other things I want to do in life can wait. The opportunity to be able to start a new program is not given to everyone. So what the hey, I took the bait.

Mid April, I was told that I will have my training in Alabang... for 8 weeks. EIGHT WEEKS! Just so you know, I live in Cainta because I work in Ortigas. Commute is just like 30 minutes one way. Going to Alabang daily with a 6 a.m. training schedule was such a nightmare. So I decided to rent a bedspace near our office building so I can save time and energy. Training started, everything seemed to be okay except for one thing. My marriage. You all know I am married. I used to be happy being married. As a matter of fact, I wrote a lot about it on this blog. Little did you know I have this odd feeling inside me about how my marriage is going.

So this entry is not about why and how my marriage failed. This is clearly not an entry to explain things to random people so to cut the story short, I fell out of love. Yes, it could happen. I started feeling it early of last year but I tried to hold on because I thought that's what marriage is about. But things weren't really working out. I feel alone all the time. I live in a nice place with my husband but I feel so alone. I travel alone, sleep alone, watch movies alone, watch concerts alone, and pretty much all the things that would make an adventurous wife like me unhappy. My ex (then husband) lost me somehow.

Going through that separation thing while being on training in Alabang was a total crash of emotions. At work, I'd be perky and bubbly but deep inside me, I'm slowly killing myself. I need to get out. Right. Now. But I don't know how. I don't know how to deliver the news to my ex so I let it fly. I was such a coward I hated myself. There would be days that I don't message him not because I don't want to but he isn't really entering my mind. Days would pass and I'd just get a message from him asking me if I had forgotten I have a husband. Then I'd just spent the night bursting into tears and trying to figure out how am I going to tell him that I want out. I didn't figure out. Instead, I enjoyed my stay in Alabang then sulk at night time thinking how unhappy I was with my marriage. And that's my daily mental cycle: happy at work, sad at home.

Then PST came, we had clients helping us out during the training. Everything was fun and okay but there's something more that I want to share with all of you. I met an amazing guy. He was our SME and he would just sit at the back of the classroom quietly observing our class (and maybe me). His name is Zeke. Zeke is not just an ordinary guy. He's special. He's friendly, funny, sweet, thoughtful and kind. The girls could fall in love with him in an instant. I would fall in love quickly too, but I was married. Too bad, Melissa.

Days passed, I would always look forward on having breaks and lunch. Zeke and I had become close because during such times, we'd hangout with our friends but we stay in one corner because we don't smoke. Needless to say, we stick together. From common breaks and lunch, I had kidnapped him and his friends several times for dinner or for a few drinks. And that friendship grew deeper as I have enjoyed not just his company but his character just attracts me. We watched Lady Gaga. We sat next to each other. And that's it. Deep inside, I wanted more. The next few days were spent sending messages to each other more often. The messages were not just about "how to get tickets" or "Maccas for lunch" but they became sweet nothings. Saying "Good morning" and "Good night" in both English and Tagalog were most often used. I like him. I had already liked him but then again, I just kept it to myself.

Then the program launch happened. It was a success! We needed to party after days of hard work. We partied at Republiq. Had a few drinks, danced the night away and then the magical thing happened. Zeke kissed me. I froze. The world had stopped for like 15 seconds. Everything was blurry except him who apparently had auto-zoomed in front of me. It felt good. It felt right. It was LOVE. That's when I realized cliche scenes in movies are true and it's actually happening to me. Oh. My. Lord. A normal girl would probably slap him for doing that. I was abnormal. I was abnormal because I was insanely crazy over him. We continued to party and ended the night with another kiss. It still felt the same. It was damn good and oh so right.

I left Manila that morning, messages from him didn't stop. We barely had enough sleep. He moved from his hotel in Alabang to his new hotel in Makati. I, then, would still be in Alabang for a couple of weeks. I was with my CDO friends Saturday night and I was crying. Crying because my emotions would want to come out and shout. I wanted to tell everyone I wanted to get out of my marriage and at the same time, I wanted to tell them I kissed an amazing guy and for the first time in my life, I felt real love over a kiss and I knew it was right. But I knew they'd kill me. So I drank the night away, trashed myself. When one of my friends gave me coffee, my bestfriend said "You liked it (kiss) and you don't want it to end, do you?" And that time, I knew I'm going to get myself in trouble. But I will certainly fight for it. I am hopeful. I will win this. I deserve to be happy. Attack!!!

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