Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Thunders, Lightning, Sunshine

I cheated. That's what everybody thinks. However, I don't think I am. Call me crazy but I define my own words. Technically, I did or still am because I'm still within my marriage (Annulment coming up). But cheating for me happens when you have an affair. I DON'T DO AFFAIRS. I DO RELATIONSHIPS. And as far as I'm concerned, what Zeke and I have is a real relationship. A true one. The kind of relationship every couple wants to have (sans the marriage to other people). Yes, aside from cheating, I was also a mistress. Zeke is also married (Divorce coming up too) but with no kids. And while he thinks we are not cheating, I'd leave his story off as I am not in the position to share his personal life in this blog. Unless of course, it involves me and our travels. What I'm trying to say is that affairs are short-termed. Relationships are forever. We are going to be together forever.

So let's keep the ball rolling. People at work had a hunch about me and Zeke. Why not? He lives in Makati, works in Eastwood but why is he always in Alabang? (Try Google maps to check the distance and the traffic situation in those three places.) Things got more interesting when I was transferred to Eastwood and luckily, got to work with him for an entire month. That whole time seemed like a story I don't want to end. We lived together the entire time. We were so in love. We argue a lot though but at the end of the day, we still sleep next to each other, hugging. He would be the first and the last person I would see when I wake up in the morning and sleep at night. It was perfect. It still is.

While things are going very well with Zeke, dealing with old friends and family about ending my marriage with my ex is another story. I first dropped his last name on Facebook. Then my tweets about seeing an attorney sparked a controversy within my family back in CDO. Messages on BBM, FB, SMS and Twitter started pouring in. I was overwhelmed. Even people who I haven't seen in ages started messaging me albeit saying they wanna Hi but I knew they were nosy jerks. I only replied to a few friends saying I am okay. In which I am. I am very okay, very happy but I'm nervous.

So the things that I expected to happen suddenly starts happening. I was being judged. I get nasty messages, I had fights with my brother and some relatives, a BIG Someone from work knew about me and Zeke, and the list goes on. Not to mention, at this time, Zeke had already left the country and is back in Australia. So just imagine the difficulty of dealing all these while my Zeke is 3,861.3 miles away from me. I'd spent my nights again crying because I super miss Zeke and at the same time I am so overwhelmed with the messages and hearsay about me back home and I don't know how to deal with them anymore. Then I decided I had to make them stop.

Trust me, the things I've mentioned above are just 20% of all the sh*t that has happened to me. I wouldn't dare enumerate those thing as it would make the other people especially those involved think I am giving them the attention that they want. Thanks, but no thanks. But I thought of giving them a dose of their own medicine. I changed my status in FB from being Married to Single, and from Single to In a Relationship with Ezekiel McKenzie. I also started uploading our pictures. People flipped out. Hah! You want war, I'll give you war. While they all went ballistic about what's going on with my life, I am all over the clouds happy, smiling, focused, energetic and in love. So tell me, who gets to win this?

But I didn't let myself drown while I was sailing my life away. All is good but I know I have hurt other people especially my family. I owe all these confidence and maturity to my mom and sister who first knew about my situation, understood me and gladly welcomed me in their arms. They knew I was unhappy with my marriage and with the new love I found, they said they've never seen me this happy before and they will support me. I did the same thing with my mom's family in Surigao. I had a "press conference" with my grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins and maybe neighbors. I was a bit nervous knowing that I came from a conservative family but knowing the kind of family I have from my mother's side, I knew they'd support me. And I was right. I never felt so much love from them until this thing happened. My uncles gave their opinions, helped my aunties and the grannies understand my situation, and even suggested lawyers who can help me with my annulment. I was so happy.

To this day, Zeke and I still encounter a few bumps in our relationship. Mostly coming from my side with some nosy people and some stalkers trying to sabotage my life and steal my happiness. Sorry, but I won't allow them to have access to my life. The first few weeks while Zeke is away is probably the most difficult situation of my life. But as I've said, I'll never give in, I'll never give up. We are now at the stage of acceptance. My family and friends have understood our situation and I can finally mention his name over dinners and casual conversations with my family. I wish I can tell you something about my annulment but it is deemed to be a sensitive case so pardon me if I leave it off from my entries. All that matters now is that I'm okay. People still hate me and judge me but I don't care because it's not their happiness that I'm dealing with. It's mine. I have just accepted the fact that there are people who love to poke their noses into other people's lives. But I'm sorry, I'm the person who could break anyone's nose.

I miss you babe
Sunshine. I call it Sunshine. As perfect as it sounds, that's how I would probably call my relationship with Zeke. We've been through hell and that but everytime I think about our relationship and our future, it lifts my spirits high. I know that fighting for this love is right. I may have been selfish but I've been deprived of happiness for a very long time and now I have someone who is my absolute happiness, I am not letting him go. I. AM. NOT. LETTING. THIS. GO. We admit that this whole long distance relationship sometimes scares us, he has his doubts but I know my role is to keep him holding on, to constantly remind us both of what a special kind of love we have. Just like a sunshine, darkness at night and scattered rains may come to our relationship but we will always be that bright thing that comes out daily and shines through most of the day. It's not that it's expected. It's a fact. It's part of life and you can always trust it to happen no matter what.

I am blessed. I am happy. I feel loved. I am in love. Capisce?

Of Rains and Rainbows

Credits to Scribbler's Sanctuary
It's been 7 months since I've last  updated my blog. I feel bad for neglecting this love of mine for months. So what happened?

February until March, I was restless. I know something's up but I was too in denial to speak up. I decided to resign from work and do something else. A Southeast Asian trip was scheduled, taking culinary classes and a longer vacation back at my hometown were a few of my things-to-do-when-you're-a-bum list. So I tender my resignation first week of March and started to do my last 30 days of work.

April came, and I was doing my last week for work when a friend who happens to be also a Quality Manager called me up and said I need to extend my resignation. He said there's gonna be new program that I will like and that he thinks I'm fit for. Then Boss Matt, who is our SOM, talked me out: The other things I want to do in life can wait. The opportunity to be able to start a new program is not given to everyone. So what the hey, I took the bait.

Mid April, I was told that I will have my training in Alabang... for 8 weeks. EIGHT WEEKS! Just so you know, I live in Cainta because I work in Ortigas. Commute is just like 30 minutes one way. Going to Alabang daily with a 6 a.m. training schedule was such a nightmare. So I decided to rent a bedspace near our office building so I can save time and energy. Training started, everything seemed to be okay except for one thing. My marriage. You all know I am married. I used to be happy being married. As a matter of fact, I wrote a lot about it on this blog. Little did you know I have this odd feeling inside me about how my marriage is going.

So this entry is not about why and how my marriage failed. This is clearly not an entry to explain things to random people so to cut the story short, I fell out of love. Yes, it could happen. I started feeling it early of last year but I tried to hold on because I thought that's what marriage is about. But things weren't really working out. I feel alone all the time. I live in a nice place with my husband but I feel so alone. I travel alone, sleep alone, watch movies alone, watch concerts alone, and pretty much all the things that would make an adventurous wife like me unhappy. My ex (then husband) lost me somehow.

Going through that separation thing while being on training in Alabang was a total crash of emotions. At work, I'd be perky and bubbly but deep inside me, I'm slowly killing myself. I need to get out. Right. Now. But I don't know how. I don't know how to deliver the news to my ex so I let it fly. I was such a coward I hated myself. There would be days that I don't message him not because I don't want to but he isn't really entering my mind. Days would pass and I'd just get a message from him asking me if I had forgotten I have a husband. Then I'd just spent the night bursting into tears and trying to figure out how am I going to tell him that I want out. I didn't figure out. Instead, I enjoyed my stay in Alabang then sulk at night time thinking how unhappy I was with my marriage. And that's my daily mental cycle: happy at work, sad at home.

Then PST came, we had clients helping us out during the training. Everything was fun and okay but there's something more that I want to share with all of you. I met an amazing guy. He was our SME and he would just sit at the back of the classroom quietly observing our class (and maybe me). His name is Zeke. Zeke is not just an ordinary guy. He's special. He's friendly, funny, sweet, thoughtful and kind. The girls could fall in love with him in an instant. I would fall in love quickly too, but I was married. Too bad, Melissa.

Days passed, I would always look forward on having breaks and lunch. Zeke and I had become close because during such times, we'd hangout with our friends but we stay in one corner because we don't smoke. Needless to say, we stick together. From common breaks and lunch, I had kidnapped him and his friends several times for dinner or for a few drinks. And that friendship grew deeper as I have enjoyed not just his company but his character just attracts me. We watched Lady Gaga. We sat next to each other. And that's it. Deep inside, I wanted more. The next few days were spent sending messages to each other more often. The messages were not just about "how to get tickets" or "Maccas for lunch" but they became sweet nothings. Saying "Good morning" and "Good night" in both English and Tagalog were most often used. I like him. I had already liked him but then again, I just kept it to myself.

Then the program launch happened. It was a success! We needed to party after days of hard work. We partied at Republiq. Had a few drinks, danced the night away and then the magical thing happened. Zeke kissed me. I froze. The world had stopped for like 15 seconds. Everything was blurry except him who apparently had auto-zoomed in front of me. It felt good. It felt right. It was LOVE. That's when I realized cliche scenes in movies are true and it's actually happening to me. Oh. My. Lord. A normal girl would probably slap him for doing that. I was abnormal. I was abnormal because I was insanely crazy over him. We continued to party and ended the night with another kiss. It still felt the same. It was damn good and oh so right.

I left Manila that morning, messages from him didn't stop. We barely had enough sleep. He moved from his hotel in Alabang to his new hotel in Makati. I, then, would still be in Alabang for a couple of weeks. I was with my CDO friends Saturday night and I was crying. Crying because my emotions would want to come out and shout. I wanted to tell everyone I wanted to get out of my marriage and at the same time, I wanted to tell them I kissed an amazing guy and for the first time in my life, I felt real love over a kiss and I knew it was right. But I knew they'd kill me. So I drank the night away, trashed myself. When one of my friends gave me coffee, my bestfriend said "You liked it (kiss) and you don't want it to end, do you?" And that time, I knew I'm going to get myself in trouble. But I will certainly fight for it. I am hopeful. I will win this. I deserve to be happy. Attack!!!